JOHN CARPENTER'S PRO-LIFE

MASTERS OF HORROR, MY ASS
by Hubbs Kowalski




MASTERS OF HORROR, MY ASS is a new attempt by Hubbs Kowalski to do some kind of “recurring shit” . When asked what that meant, Kowalski replied, “The fuck do you think that means? I’ll write about one every week.”

The releases are kind of old news, most of them have been reviewed, we explained.

“How about being a little more supportive? Fuck, we‘re gonna be flying high when that goddamn third season revs up!”

We have yet to inform Mr. Kowalski that there will not be a third season of MASTERS OF HORROR.

When pressed about the Jamaa Fanaka Summer “recurring shit”, Kowalski replied, “First, don’t be an asshole. Second, it’s coming. And third, you let that Diana Thoren chick just waltz up onto your site whenever she feels like it. I’m giving you quality stuff on a semi-regular basis. The fuck you bustin’ my sack for? I’m sure those homos at Huffington Post would love to have me. And those eggheads at Slate, too. Consider yourself lucky.”

Without further ado, the first installment of MASTERS OF HORROR, MY ASS

JOHN CARPENTER’S PRO-LIFE



Some of these MASTERS OF HORROR shows ain’t bad, as a matter of fact, CIGARETTE BURNS, the John Carpenter entry from the first season was pretty good. Carpenter’s second season entry , PRO-LIFE, is even better, give or take some lousy writing.




Anqelique runs through the woods and out into the road where she’s almost hit by doctor Alex (Mark Feuerstein, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT) and nurse Kim (Emmanuelle Vaugier, SAW II). They work in a abortion clinic somewhere in the middle of the Oregon woods and take Angelique there to make sure she’s alright. At the abortion clinic, they find out she’s pregnant and wants an abortion. Turns out, her father is Dwayne Burcell (Ron Perlman, CITY OF LOST CHILDREN), an abortion protester with a restraining order. Dwayne tracks down his daughter there and all hell breaks loose, literally, as we find out that the abortion foe’s daughter was impregnated by something evil from the bowels of inner earth.

The bad part about MASTERS OF HORROR are that the shows are cheap, which is fine, but some of these directors, like Carpenter, have a style that doesn’t seem to transcend to this under-funded television format. The two I’ve seen so far that break this mold are Joe Dante’s HOMECOMING and John Landis’s DEER WOMAN. However, that doesn’t make things all bad, as Carpenter ups the ante on implied torture and gushing gore, which oddly enough, has never been part of how he did business before.

The writing here is sloppy at points, especially when the story slows down to extend its running time. For example, Dwayne and his sons unload their weapons on a closed gate trying to get into the abortion clinic, but when faced with the wooden doors at the entrance, he sends the sons to try and find another way in, allowing to cut to more drama inside. A few more pads like this happen, which means you could probably do this tale in about 30 minutes and some change.

The monster is pretty impressive given the low budget, but the gore is a bit too digital for my taste. Acting is sub-par all around except for Perlman, who does a great job as the God-fearing father who learns too late the error of his ways.

While modestly entertaining if you catch it on TV, I can’t see anyone paying money to own this, especially when the true Carpenter feel is completely absent.

Ol’ John needs to quit cashing his remake checks and turn out a new feature worthy of his talents.